Where I have come from.

An uninspiring but factual post title, if ever there was one!

Now...

People like labels. They like to know where they stand with you. But labels are tricky things. What happens when you out grow them? Do they say fare thee well, and let you be on your merry way? No, labels are tricky, sticky, things. Which is, in part, why I deleted the past personal blog I kept and disappeared from the blogging world for a few years. But the itch returned. Finally I have succumbed. Because the best thing about blogging was the connections. The people I would never have know otherwise. 

If I hastily proclaim a few labels will I live to regret it? I think probably I will, but how to write any sort of introduction without some sort of label as a guide (although perhaps I would sound mysterious and enigmatic)?

Ah, but see! The clue is in the title! 

Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving...

What ever label I give is a convenience, applicable only to the moment. Because if I have learnt anything it is that I am always moving onwards. I have tried to fit in to too many boxes, and find I'm not over fond of boxes. I have tried too hard to fit in, or impress, only to realise that my heart is already being tugged in another direction. 

With that declaration made, perhaps I can be a little more to the point?

I grew up in a non-religious family, but I was always that way inclined. In my early teens I discovered Wicca, and then Paganism in general. From that point up until my early twenties I would loosely use the term Pagan as a label, without being overly concerned about the details and remaining largely isolated. Then blogging happened! Suddenly I had to understand terms like UPG and Hard Polytheism! Odd as it sounds it was a time of spiritual blooming! I started to take my spirituality a whole lot more seriously. I started to read more about Druidry again. I liked some of what I read, though it wasn't a perfect fit. Then I discovered Celtic Reconstructionism, which was another period of spiritual growth and intellectual discovery. I thought I had found THE label, and was a little bit in love. But then... Then came that familiar tug. Although I loved CR I couldn't quite escape the drive to connect more deeply with the Anglo-saxon heritage of this land. 

So, just when I was finding my groove with CR, I found myself moving on (though I found it very difficult) and learning about Heathenry. There followed a rapid period of learning. So many different strands that made up modern Heathenry! I was utterly in love! There was so much that spoke to me, and I found such beauty and depth there that this time I was convinced that this was THE label.

Do you see a pattern developing?

I found animism. I found the bioregional animism group. It made sense, logical sense. Not only did I see animals as humanity's equals, I came to believe that plants are sentient too. Gaia theory made sense, and I found myself being pulled towards the next logical (to me) conclusion: that all the nested systems we know of are sentient. My next logical thought was that the Universe was then surely the ultimate being, the ultimate sentience. It was a disturbing thought. It was all a bit too... Monotheistic. I wrangled with this for some time, but once the thought was formed there was no ignoring it.

How could I be going all Monotheistic when I was a polytheist, and not even a Soft Polytheist? Much confusion followed. What did I found my stance as a Hard Polytheist on? Could I trust my own evidence?!  To some this might sound like ridiculous, but it was a very big deal to me.

I read lots about Hindu Shaktism, which resolved a lot of those tensions between polytheism and monotheism, but there was no temple in this area that I could go to, however appealing it might be.

Eventually I came to the conclusion that not knowing precisely how it all works is ok!

I loosely subscribe to the Hindu belief in The Mother of the Universe, and Duane Elgin's Mother Universe. I still believe there are many Earth-Gods, as much a part of the Gaia organism as I am. I still believe there are powers tied to the cosmos, that are not the Ultimate Being, but never-the-less part of that Ultimate Being. I ground those beliefs in a Heathen framework. I don't know if all the gods mentioned in Germanic myth are individual entities, or aspects of one another. I don't know.

And that's ok. I'm at peace with my limited ability to know these things. I'm even happy to admit that I might be wrong about stuff, and that's ok too.