Fitting In

Fitting in is something I toy with. Where do you go when you're not even a good fit with the minority? I don't know how to explain what I am, because I barely know myself. I have been attending the Unitarian chapel for some time now. Two months? Three, probably. Perhaps more? I'm not sure. I am at the stage of knowing people, of liking people, but not yet able to say we are exactly friends. I am still the newcomer.

I would like to help with readings during service. I have volunteered to help on the rota for the children's club. But I am still something of an unknown.

The others know each others beliefs. They know their differences, and their common ground. I like these people, genuinely. Because of that I want them to like me too.

Nobody has asked me what I believe, what I think. Nobody has sounded me out to see if I belong. Yet I know the time is approaching when I will know these nice people well enough that personal information will be exchanged. And what do I tell them?

Just as importantly, what will they think when I manage to jumble some words together?

The very reason that I was attracted to the Unitarians is their unity in diversity, but still I'm anxious that what I think and believe will keep me always the outsider. I wonder if I'll be accepted. 

I want to be, but I can't mold myself into some shape that I think others will find acceptable. I can only wait to see if who and what I am has a place in this community. It makes me feel very slightly vulnerable.

It feels like a test to a certain degree.

Can I remain true to myself this time instead of bend from the desire to fit in?

I can.

But in doing so, I am committing to being totally myself and just like in a romantic relationship, opening yourself up in such a way is also being open to the possibility of rejections. It is by its nature a vulnerable position to place yourself in; an uncomfortable place to position yourself.

I'm not self absorbed enough to think I am the only person who feels this way. It's natural.

But what I hope for is community. I hope for acceptance, just as I am with no requirement to change. I hope to be valued. I hope to have something to offer of myself and my perspective that is mutually beneficial. Feeling a little uncomfortable and vulnerable for the chance of that is worth it, I think.